Grief has a funny way of showing up

11/29/24

Grief has a funny way of showing up. 

Never when you expect it or anticipate it, when you take off work and cancel plans and stay home and hide from the world to prepare for it; but in the casual moments of life, where you didn’t think twice about such heavy feelings attaching themselves to it.

I’d spent the entirety of the anniversary of my father’s death patiently waiting for the grief to arrive. Dressed in one of his jerseys and his favorite team’s ball cap, I had to keep reminding myself ‘today’s the day he died. It’s okay to feel sad’ but the day carried on feeling like any other typical Friday. Like watching a pot of water that refuses to boil until you look away. Grief likes to arrive on it’s own timing, when and where it belongs, not where it fits most convenient for you.

Mother’s day, father’s day, birthdays, death dates, are all times when I can expect grief to make an appearance. But excusing myself to cry in the bathroom at work on Black Friday? Black Friday? Really? 

I work in a restaurant, and I see lots of families, parents, kids, couples, all sorts of different combinations of folks come in all the time. But something about this day, about the parents coming in for lunch with their kid who was visiting from college, or just living out of town. Their kid who isn’t home year round, but made it back for the holiday. Time together growing more and more scarce, the older they get. Meals shared, taken for granted. There will always be more. I’ll see you again next time. We’ll catch up when I’m back around.

So out of the blue, emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember being that kid. Young adult, I should say. But to your mom and dad, you’re always a kid. I remember coming home every holiday, if only for a few days, and getting in that obligatory quality time with them. Out to eat, putting up decorations, even just cleaning the house or sitting in the same room as them. I remember being that kid. And then I wasn’t. And then there was no more home to come back to on the holidays. No meals to share with my mom or dad who were just so happy to have even an hour or two of my time and attention. 

I got to see a lot of that on this Black Friday. A lot of those shared meals, glimpses of conversations; catching up about what’s going on in their college towns, what their day to day looks like, who they spend their time around. And mom and dad just being so pleased to have this time with them. 

If I never appreciated those moments before, seeing them lived out in others has made me appreciate them today.